Naked Twister: Death Note Edition
by NAveryW
Summary: Originally written as a high school writing assignment. The prompt was "naked twister", based on a running joke throughout senior year. I can't believe I actually got a 100 on this.


_Disclaimer: I don't own anything whatsoever. Everything belongs to God._

**NAKED TWISTER**

**DEATH NOTE EDITION**

CHARACTER REVIEW:

-Light Yagami: 18-year-old prodigy who is secretly Kira, the one killing criminals by writing their names in the Death Note.

-Amane Misa: A model with another Death Note, thus the "second Kira". Thinks she's Light's girlfriend, but he's really just using her for her Kira abilities.

Ryuuk: A Shinigami, or god of death, who was the original owner of the first Death Note and thus follows Light Yagami around.

-L: The world's most famous detective, yet nobody knows his real name. Also goes by the pseudonym "Ryuzaki". Suspects Light of being Kira, and is constantly testing him. Constantly eats candies and sweets, yet remains thin.

-Watari: L's elderly assistant. Often offers L and friends sweets. His true name is also a secret.

--

"Light-kun," L said one day, "You seem distant and aloof lately. Are you, perhaps, depressed?"

"No, not at all..." Light responded. "I'm just concerned, that's all. After all, the killings haven't stopped or something."

"How would you like to play a friendly game, Light?" L asked, putting his face uncomfortably close to Light's.

_Great_, thought Light, _another one of L's stupid tests. I'll take you on, L._

"Okay, L..." Light responded. "What game do you have in mind?"

"Twister, perhaps..." L pondered. "Only it'll have to be naked."

"Fine, then," said Light. "I'll go get Misa."

"No, no," L hastily responded. "Misa's not allowed."

"I don't know about this," Light sighed. "What if our wieners touch?"

"Okay, fine," L sighed. "We'll bring in Watari to balance things out."

"We need to wager something to make this fun," Light announced.

"Interesting idea," mused L. "What sort of wager do you have in mind?"

_This is it_, thought Light. _I need to play this just right and I'll have him!_

"How about... if I win, you have to tell me your real name," Light said, smilingly. "I mean, we both pretty much know for sure now that I'm not Kira, right?"

L thought to himself for a moment. "Very well, then. But if I win, I get to sleep on the left side of the bed from now on."

"But that's my favorite side!" Light protested. "Besides, you're the one who chose the right side in the first place!"

"Well, I've grown tired of it. Besides, I've eaten so many pastries on that side that it has crumbs all over it and I get covered in them whenever I sleep."

"Okay, okay," Light said. "I'll take you up on the bet."

_Not that I'll lose_, he thought. _There's no way L could possibly know that I used to practice Naked Twister all the time by myself during my teenage years... Some days I'd just __spend hours in my room playing Naked Twister with myself after studying. I'll be unbeatable! Then, once I've won, I'll know his true name and he'll be gone for good!_

"Wait a minute!" L exclaimed. "What happens if Watari wins?"

"Eh? He's a wrinkly old man whose bones are just waiting to crack at the slightest strain! There's no way a geezer like him could win!"

Watari, who had been standing behind Light the whole time, finally spoke up: "Then how about if I win, I get the bed _you guys _usually sleep in all to myself, and I can finally stop sleeping on the haystack in the barn!"

"Wait, barn?" Light asked. "L, if you're rich enough to afford this huge building, all that security equipment, and that priceless bust of Nathan Lane, why the deuce does Watari have to sleep in a _barn_?"

"Look, it's complicated, okay?" L snapped. "But I accept Watari's terms. What about you, Light?"

"Sure, I'm fine with that," Light smirked. "Let the game begin!"

"Hold on," L quickly interjected. "Not just yet. I feel it'd be unfair if I were to face you as I am now, as I'm certainly in a much higher league than you at Naked Twister."

"Oh? Why's that?" Light asked, pretending to care.

"You see," L responded, "when I was a young child at Sploonchorp's Orphanage for Hopeless Boys, before Watari kidnapped me and raised me at the Wammy's House, I got lots of experience. Our orphanage patron, Mr. Roople, made all the boys play Naked Twister while he took pictures. Then he went into his room for a couple of hours, and when he came back he was always carrying a tray of cookies that he let the winner eat. That was the only way anyone could get sweets there, so I made it my personal goal to win every time. Over the years, I became completely unbeatable!"

_This is great_, Light thought. _He completely underestimates me! He'll be so surprised when he loses! He'll probably go cry and cry and then I'll cheer him up so that he thinks that we're friends, then I'll kill him because I know his name!_

"So, then," Light said, "how do you intend to even out the playing field, so to speak?"

"Well, I'll be more likely to slip, I suppose, if I'm more slippery." L turned his head to the elderly man behind Light. "Watari, would you please rub oil all over my naked body so as to make this a fair game?"

"Oh, _hell no._"

"But I can't cover my entire body in oil by myself..." L looked down, then back at Light. "Light-kun, would you do the honors?"

"Very well, Ryuzaki. Hand me the oil."

"Um, you know what, Light?" Ryuuk spoke up. "I know I said I was going to follow you everywhere and everything... but... you know, I think it's over. Humans are... truly disgusting." He then floated out of the room and, once he was sure he would not be seen, vomited applesauce onto the floor.

"Look, this doesn't feel right," Light said after he finished rubbing the oil onto L's body.

"Eh? How so?" L asked. "This feels pretty okay to me."

"A competition is about who's the best," Light sighed, "and you gave yourself the advantage through practice. If you're better than me, you deserve it. Therefore, in my heart I cannot accept this competition knowing my opponent is at a disadvantage." Light smiled at L. "You'll just have to rub that oil onto _my_ naked body as well. _Then_ we shall both have the same disadvantage."

_Would Kira really say something like that?_ L thought. _Wouldn't he take any advantage he could to get my name? Or perhaps... he expects that I'd think that and he's saying this just so that I'll suspect him less? But surely he'd have thought of that as well..._

"Okay, then," L finally replied. "But who's going to oil up Watari?"

"What, are you crazy?" Light asked. "It'd take months to rub oil under all those folds! He has no chance of winning anyway, so I'm not worried about him. Just lube me up and we'll be ready to start the game."

**...Okay, you know what? I can't force myself to finish this story. I just... can't. There's no way I can make myself write another word. I'm finished. **


End file.
